Martin (John Amplas), a young man who looks around 20-years-old, boards a train in Indianapolis, Indiana for New York. At night, he breaks into a sleeping car and sedates a woman with a syringe full of narcotics. She struggles, but he tells her not to struggle or be upset because she wont feel pain. After a few minutes, the woman falls asleep, and Martin has sex with the unconscious woman. Afterwards, he slices her wrists with a razor blade so he can drink her blood. The woman bleeds to death in her sleep.
In the morning, the train stops in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania where Martin disembarks. He is met by Tata Cuda (Lincoln Maazel) an elderly and hostile old man who claims to be his cousin from the Old World. Together, they travel by another train to the town of Braddock, a dying industrial suburb. They walk to Cuda's large house where he shows Martin his living quarters. Cuda then accuses Martin of being an 84-year-old vampire from his old country. He has taken in Martin because he is family, but tells him, "First I will save your soul. Then I shall destroy you." Martin denies being a vampire and implies that Cuda is merely his uncle rather than his cousin. Cuda then puts up strings of garlic on the doors to his and his granddaughter's room, and then holds up a small cross when Martin approaches him. Martin takes away the cross, and even takes a bite of the garlic mocking these attempts by saying bitterly, "There's no real magic... ever". Cuda tells Martin that he can come and go as he pleases. But he also warns Martin that he will kill him if he kills anyone in Braddock. He also tells Martin to stay away from his granddaughter Christine (Christine Forrest), whom arrives home from her job that evening.
Cuda introduces Christine to Martin, but also warns her to stay away from him. But Christine instead strikes up a friendship with Martin who confides in her about his vampire heritage. When Cuda later confirms Martin's claims to be a vampire, Christine, not surprisingly, refuses to believe either one. She thinks that Cuda and the other members of her family have driven Martin to insanity by making him think that he is a vampire. It is never revealed if Martin really is a vampire, or just a shy and lonely youth with troubled issues. Christine is the only person that Martin gets the courage to talk to. When Christine's boyfriend Arthur (Tom Savini) arrives at the house for dinner, Martin stops talking and backs away despite Arthur's attempt at a conversation. Christine later confides in Martin that she hopes to leave Braddock someday with Arthur, even though Martin points out that Arthur treats her badly and is both verbally and physically abusive towards her.
When Christine sees that Martin won't talk to anyone else, she buys him a phone which he installs in his room. Martin begins to repeatingly call a radio talk show where he describes what it's like to be a vampire. He becomes known on the radio as "the Count" to all the listeners. But the patronizing host (Michael Gornick) thinks he's just crazy.
Martin gets a job at Cuda's grocery store of stocking shelves, hauling boxes around, and even gets to be a delivery boy for some of the customers. One of his customers is a certain Abby Santini (Elyane Nadeau), who becomes taken in with Martin. She is a very friendly young woman who is depressed when she tells Martin that her husband is unfaithful. But Martin still does not have the nerve to talk with her, so she is happy to have someone to confide in with her life problems. Martin phones the radio show host to describe his infatuation with the housewife and senses that she wants to have sex with him. When the radio show host asks Martin if it is a sexual problem that he has involving women criticizing him during sex, Martin replies that he has never had sex with a woman who was awake.
One day, Martin travels by train to outside Braddock to look for victims. At a supermarket, he follows a young woman (Sarah Venable) home to her posh suburban house. He sees the woman's husband (Richard Rubenstein) leave for a long business trip, and Martin decides this would be the right time for more feeding. Martin returns to the house after dark and breaks in through the garage door. But it is Martin who gets the surprise when he bursts into her bedroom to find her in bed with her adulterous lover Lewis (Al Levitsky). After a vicious struggle, Martin jabs both of them with hyprodermic needles with narcotics, and waits for the drugs to take affect. He drags the unconscious body of Lewis from the house to a clump of trees across the street where he kills him by shoving a broken tree branch into his neck and drinks his blood. Martin returns to the house where he has sex with the unconscious woman. But out of compassion and pity, he decides to let her live.
Martin begins to have romantic monochrome visions of his vampire past (real or imagined), where he drained blood from a young woman and was chased through the streets of a nameless European town by a torch-lit mob.
During one Sunday at church, Cuda brings home Father Howard (George A. Romero) who asks him about the possibility of exorcism and demon possession. Father Howard calls upon the elderly Father Zulemans (Clifford Forrest, Jr.) over at Cuda's request. Together, Cuda and Zulemans confront Martin his bedroom and attempt to perform an exorcism on him. At this point, Martin remembers (another real or imaginary flashback), in the Old Country of people trying to perform an exorcism on him, and he flees them. Martin then flees from Cuda and Zuelmas as well. A little later that night, Martin terrorizes Cuda in a children's playground when he puts on a Dracula cape and puts false fangs into his mouth to pretend that he really is a vampire.
One day, Martin finally musters the courage to talk with Mrs. Santini during a routine delivery to her house where he tells her that he's aware of her attempts to seduce him and wants now to have sex with her. After having sex for the first time, Mrs. Santini becomes more depressed for she tells Martin that her husband just left her because she discovered that she cannot bear children, and that her desires towards him are based on sex and nothing else. But Martin wants to stay with her and help her move on with her life. Martin tells the radio show host about his affair with the housewife and that he no longer has the urge to attack other women.
Meanwhile, Arthur meets with Cuda and tells him that he wants Christine to leave town with him so they can get married and start a family. But Christine becomes angry at Cuda when he tells Arthur that insanity runs in their family and he shouldn't consider having children with her. Shortly afterwards, Christine packs up and leaves Braddock for New York with Arthur despite Martin telling her that Arthur is abusive towards her. But her mind is made up. Before leaving, Christine tells Martin that she really has no ill feelings towards him and just wants to make a fresh start with her life. She says goodbye to him and promises to write. But Martin knows that with an abusive and possessive man in Christine's life, she probably won't.
Depressed over losing his one true friend, Martin phones the radio show host and tells him that he's getting "shaky" and wants to go out looking for more victims. That night, Martin travels to a rough crime-ridden area of Pittsburgh and attacks two derelicts in a alley, injecting them with narcotics. He kills one of them by silting the bum's wrist and drinking his blood. Martin is about to kill the second one when a police car shows up and gives chase. Martin narrowly escapes during a long chase on foot which leads from the garbage strew streets and through a local store. Martin runs into an old warehouse where a drug deal is going down. A shootout between the two cops and the three thugs begins where all of them are killed, leaving Martin as the sole survivor who casually walks away from the carnage.
One day, Martin finds Mrs. Santini dead in her bathtub, after she had slit her writs with a razor blade. Martin anonymously calls the police to report the body and leaves. He phones the radio show host one final time to say that he really doesn't need friends or people to talk to for he is his own person. But when Cuda learns about Mrs. Santini's suicide, is mistakenly thinks Martin killed her and made it look like a suicide as he's done before. Cuda walks into Martin's room while he is asleep and kills him by hammering a wooden stake through Martin's heart.
Cuda buries Martin's body in his back garden, while over the closing credits various voices from people are heard talking to the radio show host asking the whereabouts of "the Count".
基本就是把romancing the stone照搬了一遍，还没80年代的好玩。但我是sandy脑残粉
太好笑了😂钱老板贡献了本片最大看点，皮特便当领的过于草率。丹尼尔真的，典型疯批无脑反派。
为什么能往老套剧本里塞那么多东西啊？布拉德皮特似乎很喜欢演这种逼格满满再瞬间挂掉的角色，那几段动作戏蛮好看的。笑点好低级，水蛭吸大腚。
6分。完全不知道在看啥。。。。整个故事除了皮特客串的部分就没精彩的地方了。。。看起来像是个探险片，但探险的内容其实并不多，基本就是男女主之间不断地碎碎念。。。完全不知道在说点啥。。。
前2/3挺好笑的，还有钱宁塔姆的身材和屁股可以看，客串的布拉德皮特真的帅炸，就是后段走心就不太OK，挺合格的爆米花电影
比较老套路的冒险喜剧片，不能算是动作片，动作场面比较少而且也没啥亮点，倒是桑婆和查老板打嘴炮的时间得占了全片的一半，但是也是比较无聊乏味，比较惊喜的算是皮特叔的客串，但是戏份太少，没有啥发挥空间的就挂了。特效视觉效果上做的还不错，要能在影院看的话可能效果会更好，只可惜应该还是没有任何动静，可能是没了。整体来说，剧情无趣，完全靠两位主角撑起来的，看完印象深刻的点就只有查老板的性感翘臀了。。
女主的脸已经僵成骷髅了，还在装性感。
笑声连连，惊喜不断。乐风参考《浴血黑帮》、《毒枭》。是合格的爆米花电影。
钱老板出场用了赌神的背景音乐，尬住了……说真的，尽管看过很多桑德拉布洛克的电影，也曾为她的美貌倾倒，但不得不说58岁的她状态确实已经难以称得上好。典型的爆米花电影，动作喜剧加上冒险元素，卡司也不差，看到特种兵是布拉德皮特开心的笑了。以为是配角正在抢戏阶段，结果是龙套被一枪秒了。问题在于整体节奏是真的拖沓，完全不用2个小时，唯一值得欣慰的大概是看到钱老板结实的屁股和性感的背脊线。
本来就够扯了，布拉德皮特还尼玛又复活了~桑德拉布洛克也是神，快六十的人了，看着也就三十多，科技改变容颜吧。
中规中矩的冒险喜剧。完成了我的期待，但没有惊喜那种，可能是俩人对手戏的火花不够吧。
电影院是个睡觉的好地方，看的是啥我已经不记得了。
“我因为太害怕在生活中再次受到伤害，所以就停止了生活，看不到眼前美好的事物。”
Tatum和皮特一定欠了制作人或者布洛克很多钱，最值得看的场景基本上都在预告里面了，傻大姐的人设还是很讨喜的，硬是加了一点分。哈利波特出道太早了，没好好吃饭，身高居然差布洛克大半个头。
Zaddies and one cougar.
从两个人共进古墓开始到地下河我就怀疑我看了个神雕侠侣
完全浪费了豪华阵容，皮特完全就是友情出演，这部电影完全就是导演自己玩的很嗨，结果浪费观众的时间。
全片插科打诨，嬉皮笑脸。创作者努力想把这部电影打造成一个通俗易懂的商品，格局一降再降导致严重失形。企图做成一包“薯片”和一瓶“可乐”时，难免会变成一件非常平凡的商品，若想要最大化吸引大众目光至少质量上要过关，从上而下的打造，而不是直接切入低层。逻辑混乱，注水严重，内容被不断涌现的“笑点”稀释。整体上的结构非常像经典网文模式，运用“反差”，“差距”来营造强刺激的戏剧感。
搞笑的点都来源于尴尬，有点硬拗。
想不到2022年还有这么老套的电影，这么智障的台词。就皮特耍帅那几下子能看，导演已经贴心地放在了开头，应该皮特下线就直接拉到片尾的，浪费这时间。
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